I'm generally good with food habits (and online habits), but there are periods in my life when things just go off massively.
One such period happened to be this holiday season. I fully enjoyed it, but being taken out of my work, physical activity, and social routines created an unpredictable side effect. I started craving and eating lots of cinnamon buns and drinking coffee (I never do either).
Whenever I told myself it was the last one, I instantly felt an urge to have one more. Then the next morning, I felt incredibly guilty because just before the holidays, I had finally put myself in the physical shape I wanted to be in, and now I was losing it all... I felt so bad about myself that the only thing that could comfort me was... you guessed it, the cinnamon bun. And the cycle repeated. 🍩☕️
Luckily, since I've been working with bad {digital} habits for quite some time now, I could quickly identify what was going on. I fell into the so-called "what-the-hell" effect that anyone fighting bad habits is susceptible to, so could quickly come up with the strategy to stop it. And no, it was not about limiting the buns!
Research shows that dieters, smokers trying to quit, alcoholics trying to stay sober—or people trying to limit their usage of devices—face the same willpower challenge. Doing something you decided not to do (for example, watching social media) creates a feeling of guilt. The worse a person feels about how much they spent on social media (or drank, or ate cinnamon buns) the night before, the more time they will spend on social media (drinking, eating) today.
The guilt drives them back to the bottle/cigarette/smartphone. 📱🔄
It’s not just about the momentary lapse; it’s about the emotional aftermath that fuels a vicious cycle. When you feel bad about overeating, smoking, or spending too much time on your phone, you’re more likely to reach for those very things again to cope with the negative feelings. This leads to a reinforcing loop that’s difficult to break.
This has a very important implication: if you want to change your habits, the first thing to do is change your attitude towards yourself. Start being KIND to yourself and avoid guilt at all costs.
This also means that any technique around measuring your screen time is actually going to have the opposite effect unless you have first established kind and supportive relationships with yourself. 💖
This probably explains why, after Google and Apple introduced screentime features on their phones, internet consumption went up (by the way, the same effect is observed on cigarette packs that contain horror images of smoking). 📈
Step-by-Step Guidelines to Break the Cycle
The key to breaking this cycle isn’t about restricting yourself more or trying to muster more willpower. It’s about changing your relationship with yourself and your habits. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you get started:
1. Acknowledge the Slip-Up Without Judgment
The first step is to acknowledge the slip-up without beating yourself up over it. Everyone makes mistakes, and it's important to recognize that one lapse doesn’t define your entire progress. Remind yourself that it's just a temporary setback, not a failure.
2. Understand the Emotional Trigger
Take a moment to reflect on what led to the behavior. Were you stressed, bored, or tired? Understanding the emotional triggers behind your actions can help you address the root cause rather than just the symptoms.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Instead of spiraling into guilt, practice self-compassion and curiosity. Be kind to yourself, just as you would be to a friend who’s going through a tough time. Self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook—it’s about acknowledging your humanity and treating yourself with the same care you’d offer someone else.
4. Focus on Addressing the Trigger
What caused your relapse? Your social media or phone addiction is just an unhealthy way to deal with it. Can you find a more effective solution to the original problem?
5. Create Routines
Finally, work on creating routines that support your goals rather than undermine them. For example, if you’re trying to cut back on screen time, set up routines that help you unwind without your phone - for example, by hiding it in the other room. The goal is to build a lifestyle that naturally aligns with the behaviors you want to cultivate and not run on your willpower.
If you would like to put some of these things into practice, check out our upcoming courses:
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