What is systemic coaching in digital wellbeing?

“Over the last week I have tried to drastically reduce my Instagram use. I realize it is really challenging for me to completely stop using it.So I started speaking with the part of me willing to go on Insta — and the part willing to stop losing time there.The first one expressed her need for instant, effortless reward, which shows me the need to allow myself perhaps to have more leisure/light time in my life. The second wants to spend my time wisely and get free from impulsive behaviour to move toward more freedom and peace.Both have now heard each other and agreed to look for a compromise balance and a possible better way to meet the needs, in order to bring the system into balance and reduce tension between those two parts of myself.”

This is a reflection of one of the CDI current certification students on the homework challenge they were given last week – to make your internal parts talk to each other.

In CDI, we teach systemic coaching – and practice it on ourselves.

Systemic means that we are all interdependent and only can see part of the truth from our perspective. We have to let every voice be heard to see the bigger picture.Your own digital procrastination typically signals a conflict between values or parts that want to do different things – one part of yours wants to go and have fun, the other wants you to be productive.

When you don’t recognize both of them, the one you are suppressing starts getting wild – so you don’t satisfy either.

The same thing happens in families. Research shows that children’s poor digital habits are often just a symptom of unhealthy relationship dynamics within the family. When a child cannot maintain the pressure of family members not being able to talk constructively to each other and pushing it all to them (the so-called triangulation effect), they resort to the virtual world. So if you take away the phone from them at this stage, this is going to lead to even more non-constructive behaviour – conflicts, antisocial behaviour, possible substance abuse.

To give a clearer example of triangulation: imagine parents who constantly argue but never address their tension directly. Instead, they both turn to the child — one becoming the ‘strict’ parent demanding discipline, the other the ‘fun’ parent giving unlimited screen time to compensate. The child is pulled between two roles they never asked for, absorbing stress that doesn’t belong to them. The smartphone becomes their escape from pressure they cannot process. In this situation, the child’s screen time is not the problem — it is simply their coping mechanism for a system that is out of balance.

In this case, if you want to limit a child’s screen time, you need to start not from taking away their smartphone – but from solving internal family dynamics.

The same systemic dynamics are visible in organisations. For example, when a leader frequently sends emails or messages outside of working hours, even if they do not intend to pressure anyone, it creates an implicit expectation for everyone to be “always on.” Team members start mirroring this behaviour, feeling they must respond immediately, which increases stress and reduces focus. One person’s digital habits ripple through the system, influencing others’ behaviour and shaping the organisational culture — a clear example of how individual actions have systemic effects.

Understanding systemic dynamics is super important to change digital behaviours – otherwise you are only going to tackle the symptom, not the cause.

If you want to understand and influence systemic changes in the digital society, check out the Consciously Digital Institute certification in digital wellbeing. It's a 12-months program accredited by two major coaching associations, ICF and NBHWC, that prepares global leaders in digital wellbeing.